My Saturday Problem (and the book that helped)

As is the case with most couples, my spouse and I have a couple of things that seem to always creep up that we argue about, or just can't see eye-to-eye on. Of these issues, there are fewer that we actually fight over.  For us, one of these broken-record fights is SATURDAY. This, supposedly fun day of the week has been a source of contention in our marriage since day one, and we are coming on our 10 year anniversary, so you can figure that we've had a lot of SATURDAYS to enjoy this circus together.

Here's the deal: the Saturday problem started out as a source of strain for us in one way, and has evolved and devolved over the years. At first, when I was a new mom with babies, I wanted Saturday to be a planned day of fun, since I had been dazed all week looking after infants. My husband wanted it to be a day of relaxation with no plans, as he wanted, "to take the day as it came" since he was so tired of the schedule he to keep at work during the week. Well, we've worked through that (if not imperfectly) but it still seems that something always occurs on Saturdays to ruin  it, or leave me and my spouse feeling unsatisfied.

Well, 10 years is a lot of different types of Saturday problems, so I won't get into the distant past, but, I will tell you that last week SATURDAY really blew up for us (not yesterday... I'll get to yesterday's Saturday in a minute).


Keeping in mind that my spouse and I get along REALLY well during the week, here's how the Saturday blow-up occurred. I accused him of not understanding a thing I was trying to say when I was trying to voice some concerns and feelings I was having, and he accused me of not understanding a thing he was trying to say and manipulating everything out of his mouth into the worst possible thing. Well, this doesn't sound so bad, but it was, and we both became so furious with the other that I KNEW I needed to try SOMETHING different, if not ANYTHING different.

We agreed that night that we probably wouldn't be able to take one more of these Saturdays (trust me, we both KNEW it was something weird that happened on that day). So, that night I prayed to God, and asked for some insight, or something I could do, that would allow me to give my spouse what he needed, without sacrificing myself in  the process. Sunday came and went just fine (a little tense, but Sunday isn't our problem now is it) and on Monday I ran into one of my girlfriends, who I rarely see, and out of nowhere we get to talking and she recommends the book, The Surrendered Wife: a Practical Guide to Finding Intimacy, Passion, and Peace with a Man. This book is a fantastic resource and I will continue to post on it for a while.

I am intrigued, immediately, by the coincidence of meeting my friend at such an odd time, and the synopsis of the book that she provides before she has to scoot out of there to an apointment. I am so grateful to her, because shortly thereafter she brings the book right to my door, and I start reading it.  I am currently about a quarter into the book to this date (I'm reading 3 other books at the same time, in my defense and one is  Virgil's The Aeneid, otherwise I'd be done by now). Immediately, I found a strategy that I decided that I would try to implement on the coming Saturday.

So here's what the author, Laura Doyle, recommended which I thought that I too would try on Saturday: The NO-CONTROL Date. The premise of this date, and much of the book is to "surrender" control, or not be a control freak, which I think I am. :) I didn't tell my spouse that I would be acting any differently on Saturday. So here's what I did, and I call it the no-control day, and boy was it interesting.

Saturday morning came and my spouse and I decided that we were going to celebrate Mother's Day on that day and not Sunday, since my spouse would be leaving on a business trip. Normally, like any good mother who knows best, I like to control Mother's Day; Because if I don't make sure that they show their appreciation properly, how will I know that they appreciate me. Right? Wrong! SO, this day had all the trappings of disaster waiting to happen. 1. It was SATURDAY 2. It was "Mother's Day"

Well, that morning, my girls got into the act and brought me all their home-made cards and presents, this was of course touching! But, then I turned to my spouse in anticipation of my card or present from him, there was none. Instead of starting to blow a gasket, I calmly reminded myself to let it go. I did. Then he suggested that we go to a new farmer's market that morning, and I thought that sounded fun (and was excited because it was a "plan" for the day).

So I was happy, until I got out of bed and discovered that no-one was making me breakfast on Mother's Day! So instead of blowing a gasket, I let it go, and found out that my spouse thought we could get something to eat from the market. At this point in the morning, I had already been primed to blow a gasket 2 times, so this didn't bode well. I firmly told myself, today was going to be a great day, and I was determined to let go of my control, and allow joy to fill it's place. Here's what happened that day:

1. On the way to the market I let my husband go in a couple wrong directions before HE found where the market was (even though I knew the location, I kept my lips zipped, and surprise of surprise, we still made it there).
2.  I let him decide which vendor we would buy vegetables from. (They turned out to be delicious)

3. I let him suggest that we stroll around the nearby shops after touring the market which surprised me that he would suggest that! (normally, I would have jumped right in with, "What do you want to do now" or "let's look around the shops")

4. I let him lead us into an overpriced natural food market and buy things for the family without commentary (I bought some stuff for myself, and while the bill was higher than I'd have wanted to pay the food turned out to be excellent)

5. On the way home I didn't insist that we drive by a really expensive home that I dream of owning (He gave me an eternally grateful look that we wouldn't have to do that again)

6. I allowed him to take a nap in the middle of the day without waking him up to find out what we were going to do with the rest of the day.

7. When he woke up he asked me if I would like to go for Mother's Day dinner at a new surfer-style Mexican restaurant that we spotted earlier that day which I could tell that he really wanted to go to. I responded by saying, that, while I'd really love to check out that restaurant soon, I was more in the mood for something fancier for Mother's day (I did NOT mention a specific alternative that I liked better). He said why don't we go to the area that has nice restaurants and see what appeals to us. We went, and Immediately he took me to a Turkish restaurant which I LOVED and he even recommended a meal for me, that I myself had just been eyeing on the menu,

8. After dinner, I was perfectly satisfied and ready to go home, feeling that I had been very well spoiled, when He asked me what I wanted to do next. I said (and I quote from the book) "Whatever you like;" and I really meant it. I was feeling GREAT not having controlled the day, or having had a fight, I really couldn't have cared less what was next because all my emotional needs had already been met. He recommended Ice cream. I did not tell him where to go. We got a little turned around as he looked for a specific parlor that had as it turned out, gone out of business, and I didn't even pipe in with an alternative parlor. Guess what, he found one even without my help. Imagine!

9. We ate ice cream by the beach as the sun set. We watched our little girls run wild and free in the sand during the twilight, and I was very grateful to be a mother.

10. We drove home in the dark and I turned to my husband and I said with  a smile, "We did it," and He said, "I know." He was just as keenly aware of what a wonderful Saturday we had had together.

I'll post more on The Surrendered wife as I read it.
All my love, and
Have a great day!
Natacha